April Fool’s Day is a big day for brewers. You finally get to drop that joke about a beer so ridiculous you have to know it’s a joke. Minus those brewers that shop the jokes for an actually good “next big thing.”
2021 was pretty heavy on the hard seltzer jokes. In true Stone Brewing fashion, instead of joking about a hard seltzer, they announced they are actually releasing one. You can actually hear the pain in Greg Koch’s voice from here.
In case you missed out of some of the jokes thanks to Instagram’s piss poor algorithm, here’s what yesterday looked like, complete with bad commentary.
Michigan’s Founders Brewing is threatening to make beers glittery again. The name is on point.
Everything Bagel Hard Seltzer from Funky Buddha. Honestly, since it’s Funky Buddha, there’s a 60% chance this bad breath maker is real. 75% chance they will make it this year. 99% chance I would drink it because I hate myself.
California’ Bear Republic’s “Bear Claw” Hard Seltzer. Comes in Plain, Hop Backward (Hop-Free), Mango (with no mango added), and Cherry (Not real cherries just additives). Next up, “Bear Claw” Pastry Stout that ships with a fork.
Old Town Glowstick Glowy IPA. Made with 300 lbs of fluorescent jellyfish. No word on what it does to your pee.
Alabama’s Trim Tab introduces the Brew Canoe 2-Pack made for you and your fellow paddler. Would be great for Valentine’s Day.
Crux Fermentation Project’s no alcoholic seltzer, Lacrux. The name wins.
Steve Austin and El Segundo Brewing is dropping the 2nd Steve Austin collaboration, a hard seltzer with bananas. 3.16% ABV. And that’s the bottom line…
New Holland is making sure the squirrels aren’t left out. Introducing the .6 ounce beer that’s a little nutty.
Mother’s Brewing Company is just asking to get sued by Amazon for their drone idea. The jokes on Mothers Brewing. They ACTUALLY pay taxes every year… #BezosPleaseStillDeliverMyShit
America’s #1 selling hard seltzer is creating cans that will tell fellow party-goers where you land on the 6 feet thing. In cinnamon, green apple, and all new hand sanitizer flavors.
Richmond, Virginia’s The Answer makes some really off-the-wall beers with weird shit. So much so, them making a Funyans beer could ACTUALLY be real. It’s only sold by the case at 1 am. It’s dosed with 500mg of sugar and extra yeast to make it EXTRA splodey. Pickups are by the dumpster.
Asheville, North Carolina will be home to Green Man’s new Peeps flavored IPAs. But then again, could be a hoppy, diabetic nightmare coming to actual taps soon.
We’ve drank with the guys that created 10 Barrel Brewing. It’s an aggressive experience. That’s why I would put money on the fact that someone at the brewery has actually made this punch before, and is still getting the puke stains out of the carpet.
AMF is a canned cocktail with vodka, gin, rum, tequila, sour mix, blue curacao, lemon-lime soda, and cherry juice. Just 22.3% ABV.
Let’s be real. One of y’all has actually made this before.
“Adios motherf%$ckers!” – 10 Barrel Brewing
Champion Brewing channels either Clint Eastwood or Chewbacca with the beer can party sling.
Only sold at Spencer Gifts next to the Marilyn Manson posters.
Monday Night Brewing Narwater is a real hard seltzer line by the brewery. BBQ Ranch flavor is not…. yet. I mean… brewers have already used chicken wings, so why is this a stretch?
Charleston, South Carolina has a mega-merger by the sea. Holy City Brewing and Frothy Beard will now be known as Frothy City Brewing.
The best part of Hop Valley’s post? The hashtag. #PleaseDon’tMakeUsBrewThis
Indy Brewing Boner Emoji Beer. It’s a sour.
Three Taverns is Belgian-inspired. But apparently, they are pivoting to Italian. This is Prepastarous. (But it’s a lager, so it’s ok.)
Finally, the kings and queens of adjunct brewing in Georgia made the public statement they will stop putting candy fruit and lactose in their beers. This comes a week after announcing a 2nd location in the state, complete with a lactose silo.
Chances are, some of these will be actually released this summer. See you in line.